In my country, Japan, Christmas would look very different from Western countries. While for families, Christmas has become a season to buy children presents. For young people, Christmas is considered a dating occasion. Couples go out for a romantic dinner, exchange expensive gifts and (if the gift and the dinner work their magic) they end up in a hotel somewhere. Spending Christmas Eve alone is considered very miserable, like having Valentine’s Day on your own.

Now I’m 36 years old and I don’t fall for those marketing ploys so readily. Christmas celebrations are, I’d say, ridiculously out of place in this Buddhist country. I no longer bother spending 10,000 yen for special offers for Christmas gifts or hours to pick up an alluring push-up bra for the night.

However, when I was in my early 20s, I didn’t feel quite that way. I wanted a romantic Christmas. I fretted that I was missing out on something I was meant to experience. I was very mistaken.

Back then, as the jingle bells approached, I started to feel desperate. I didn’t want to spend Christmas with my family or alone again. I could imagine a family dinner table where everyone would think that I was a miserable single girl who couldn’t get a Christmas date. I couldn’t stand such humiliation. And so I asked one of my male single friends for a date. 

For the record, I did not particularly fancy him. And I was quite sure that he didn’t have any feelings towards me either. We have known each other for about a year from a circle of friends, yet we hadn’t experienced any chemistry. But I knew he was benign, single and average looking — I wouldn’t be too embarrassed if he was walking next to me — and so he seemed to be the perfect candidate to go out on the holy night.

There was a very popular Christmas light display in Kobe. It was a series of big wire arches decorated with thousands of miniature bulbs set on the main avenue downtown. People could walk under the lights for a few hundred meters. I asked him if he wanted to go there with me.

When we arrived there, I was excited. It was one of the must-go-to events for couples that winter. I was feeling good because it looked as if I had a partner for Christmas. And from the outside, we would have looked like a proper couple, or so I wished. 

The event was very crowded. The lights were beautiful but after a few minutes I got bored. Since there were so many people we had to walk very slowly to get to the other side. It was cold. I felt hungry but all the street vendors had very long queues so I gave up on the idea of getting any food. I tried to keep talking with my friend but our conversation became monotonous eventually. It was awkward. I started to question what I was doing. It was not as much fun as I expected even though I was doing what I had yearned for so much.

By then I was frozen stiff and very hungry. Every restaurant on the street was full and we were both too tired to walk any further to look for a place to eat. 

“Can we get a coffee?”  I suggested to him.

He agreed and we got coffee from Starbucks near the subway station. Since all the inside seats were taken, we had to sit on the outside steps of the building. 

“Thank you for your accompany,” I said, feeling sorry for him. I was ashamed that the date ended up so poorly. “I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out so well.”

“No, I’m fine.” His voice was calm.

I wanted to say something but couldn’t find anything to say. I felt so uncomfortable as I realized that we didn’t click with each other at all. Not having much in common, it was hard to find a topic to talk about. Maybe a joke, or some gossip? But nothing came to my mind. It seemed my brain was also frozen.

“Can I ask you a question?”

He stopped sipping his coffee and looked at me. It was the first time for him to take the lead that evening.

“Why did you asked me out?”

I was embarrassed by that question which felt like criticism.

“Uh, because… I wanted to see that lights, and I didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve alone.”

“No, I knew that. You’ve told me before. I was asking why you asked ME out.”

He was staring at the lid of the cup. I was dumbstruck. What could I say? Surely he was not unattractive but I didn’t fancy him either. Maybe I expected the Christmas mood would help us develop some kind of spark. Ironically it made it clear that we didn’t really hit it off.

“Because, I knew you are single, and I thought… you also didn’t want to be alone at Christmas.”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah.”

“I see. So, that was all.“

He finished his coffee. 

“I’m sorry, did I make a wrong assumption?” I worried if he was upset.

“No, you were right. I didn’t want to be alone.”

I couldn’t tell whether he was angry or sad from his expression. He just looked impassive.

I got back home just before midnight. I texted the boy thanking for his accompany and went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep even though I was very tired. Something felt not quite right. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling that way. I have successfully averted a miserable single Christmas and gone to the most popular winter event in Kobe. Nevertheless, I wasn’t feeling happy at all. Only then, did I realize that I have taken advantage of somebody just to escape from social pressures and to stroke my ego.

I was ashamed of my foolishness. I cried and apologized to Santa Claus (not the Buddha)— for wanting something I didn’t ultimately deserve and having forgotten how fortunate it was to spend Christmas with a delicious cake and a roof over my head.

Looking back, I think that night has taught me a really good lesson which will save me from being trapped in a loveless relationship for the sake of conforming to social pressures. Call me a romantic.

I haven’t seen that guy since then. To be honest, I cannot even recall his name or picture of his face. Even if I came across him on the street, I probably wouldn’t recognize him. I have no way of making up to him now apart from writing these words to thank him. I hope he is spending a lovely Christmas with a significant other this year and for years to come.